I am a 19 year old autistic trans girl who is suicidal and suffering.

In my early life I suffered greatly from school as I wasn’t able to emotionally handle it with the amount of stressful, boring and torturous work we had to. Having to go there every workday for long hours at time has decreased my tolerance to mental pain and caused me great anxiety going there every day and it just got worse with secondary school.

I also felt like I wasn’t able to express myself when I was younger as I didn’t know much of who I was and couldn’t show interests to people as I had little to no friends and my siblings at the time didn’t pay much attention to me. If I did get friend whether that’s in school or online, they would often leave me suddenly causing me to feel like I won’t matter to anyone new I meet.


I had started learning game development as a teenager as I loved games with level creation such as Little Big Planet. This has given me goals for what I would like to do if I continue to live through making different kinds of games.

As I grew up and figured out about trans people existing, I realized I was a girl as I felt like I related to girls more than boys never wanted to grow up as a man. This led me to be able to express my true self more but has caused more difficulties. I developed an eating disorder as I had the warped idea that women needed to be thin as so started to starve myself to be as skinny as possible. I hated my body as I found it uncomfortable to have a more masculine body.

I was able to get a better after escaping school and getting HRT but when I went to college where I did incredibly well in my course, I also into my first relationship who I felt was also my first real friend. I felt like I had worth to someone and made me desire human interaction much more. However she broke up with me after like 2 months and it destroyed me. I actually tasted what having a friend is like and more and I now felt worthless and empty without it. This led me to drop out on year 2 of my college course and cemented me to have a big fear of abandonment. I felt empty and that everything was boring.

I did get into another relationship a year later but it was too intense and unstable cus of our mental problems to it ended after a year and a bit. This one had me constantly on fear of him abandoning me and I felt like he wasn’ t doing enough for me which lead me to feel worthless and resentful and showing some of my worst traits.

Since then I have been mostly feeling empty and bored. I sometimes obsessively work on my game project to try and gain meaning but sometimes it can be draining. I have interacted with people on SaSu to get some social interaction but it starts to feel samey. I can’t see anyone physically cus I am trapped by my parents. I don’t know how to get better and hope I will die soon.